Harry Potter – Fun with Innuendo

The Great Hall of Hogwarts

(This was replicated from somewhere in Facebook. If you are the owner, do alert me so that I can credit you appropriately)

Because God knows we all need some levity, right?

Upon receiving The Order of the Phoenix, we couldn’t help but notice the high frequency of the phrase “Flat on his back.” Alerted by this fact, we looked a little closer and compiled a list of wonderfully out of context quotes for the amusement and edification of all. Curiously, most of them seem to involve either Fred and George or Snape. We think there might be something to this. We tried to add page numbers, but occasionally our amusement overwhelmed our sense of proper citation protocol. Also, we were too lazy to go back and look them up. We regret the inconvenience. Actually, no. We don’t. (edit: Missing page numbers have been provided by Aquilus Veritas. Thanks!)

~ M-teki and Jack of None

Without further ado….

The List.


“What d’you mean, I’m not brave in bed?” said Harry, completely nonplussed. (14)

“…I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago –”
“He was asking for it,” snarled Dudley. (13)

“I heard you last night,” said Dudley breathlessly. “Talking in your sleep. Moaning.” (15)

“Ah well…wand still in your jeans?” (53)


“You two just Apparated on my knees!”
“Yeah, well, it’s harder in the dark –” (97)

“There was a groan of bedsprings, and Harry’s mattress descended a few inches as George sat down near his feet.
“So, got there yet?” said George eagerly. (100)

“…screwing up her eyes each time with the same pained expression she had worn back in Harry’s bedroom.” (85)

“Ron was lying sprawled on his back with his mouth wide open.” (121)

“Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes.” (154)

“He’s having a go at my mother!” Seamus yelled. (218)

“Or any part of your body, really, we’re not fussy where we stick this.” (343)

“…when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker’s needs. Dobby has used it, sir,” said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, “when Winky has been very drunk.” (387)

“She’s somethin’ when she’s roused, Olympe…fiery, you know…’spect it’s the French in her…” (432)

“He was rather taller than Snape, who, Harry noticed, had balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand.” (520)

“Stand up and take out your wand, Potter.” (533)

“I thought not,” said Snape, watching him closely. “You let me get in too far. You lost control.” (535)

“Manners, Potter,” said Snape dangerously. “Now, I want you to close your eyes.”
Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wand. (535)

“He was on all fours again on Snape’s office floor.” (536)

“Ron wrenched the hangings apart, and Harry stared up at him in the moonlight, as he lay flat on his back.” (586)

“Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break,” said George.
“What do you mean, ‘tried’?” said Ron quickly. (627)

“Well, we’ll soon find out, won’t we?” said Snape smoothly. “Wand out, Potter.”
Harry moved into his usual position… (638)

“But whether James really did take off Snape’s pants, Harry never found out.” (649)

“…did things with a wand I’ve never seen before…” (711)

(Readers’ submissions after the jump)


Reader Submissions:

“Sirius pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Snape, whipping his wand out as he went; Snape whipped out his own.” (531)

“Snape eyed Harry, tracing his mouth with one long, thin finger as he did so.” (531)
Kathy Duncan

“Well?” said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. “How was it?” Harry considered for a moment.
“Wet.” He said truthfully. (458)
Christina Campagna

“What did he do to you, Diddy?” Aunt Pentunia said in a quavering voice, now sponging sick from the front of Dudley’s leather jacket. “Was it– was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use– his thing?” (26)
Lucy Sullivan

“He bit hard on his pillow, to stop himself from making a noise.” (518)

“Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry’s wand?” (14)

Harry snorted. He walked around the room again, looking anywhere but at Ron and Hermione. “So what have you two been doing if you’re not allowed in meetings?” he demanded. “You said you’d been busy.” (68)

“Say hello to him [Hagrid] for us!” called Hermione, as Harry proceeded down the ward. “And ask him what’s happening about…about his little friend!” (850)
Aquilus Veritas

“… every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again…” (720)

“Fred and George were looking particularly annoyed; both were bandy-legged and winced with each movement…” (337)

“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. (48)

“He was now looking at Zacharias as though he would like nothing better than to thump him.” (343)

…and Fred, George, and Ginny were doing a kind of war dance to a chant that went “He got off, he got off, he got off….” (156)
Judith Edelstein

“He came last night, when you were in bed,” said Mr. Weasley. (120)
your very own jane burnham

Harry Potter and the Raging Hormones:

“He let out a long, slow breath and stared up at the brilliant blue sky. Every day this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again…and always, growing more insistent all the time, the question of why nothing had happened yet.” (9)

A gem from the British edition:

“Anyway, its a nightmare of a year, the fifth,” said George. “If you care about exam results, anyway. Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow.”
Frood Fade

“He [Harry] tried to eat, but it was like chewing carpet.” (122)

Put that away, will you?” said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer. “Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement.” (645)

“I see,” said Uncle Vernon, looking from his white-faced wife to Harry and hitching up his trousers. He seemed to be swelling… (38)
Chrystina Riggs

“‘Don’t kill Cedric! Don’t kill Cedric!’ Who’s Cedric — your boyfriend?” (15)

“Ha ha ha, Harry, look at it–” said Ron, watching it disgorge its gaudy innards. “Harry, come and touch it, bet it’s weird–“…”Harry, look what’s happen–no–no, I don’t like it–no, stop–stop–” (798)
Jerry Jordan

“Kreacher won’t *quite* as devoted to him as to my mother, but I still caught him snogging a pair of my father’s old trousers last week.” (108, UK edition)
Claire Hennessy

“One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.” (676)

“That was me,” he said. “I was slashed…” (289, UK edition)

“…which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree.” (644)

“Kreacher was disappearing through the door to the hall, looking back at them malevolently as he hitched up his loincloth…” (475)

“Harry’s heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defence against external penetration?” (458)

…She pressed hard on the top of his head. “Doesnt it ever lie flat?” she said desperately. Harry shook his head. (123)

“Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering trough various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.” (10)

“We’re not going to use magic,” Ron ejaculated loudly. (242)

“I don’t think private matters between myself and the Minister are any concern of yours, Potter,” said Malfoy, smoothing the front of his robes. Harry distinctly heard the gentle clinking of what sounded like a full pocket of gold. “Really, just because you are Dumbledore’s favourite boy, you must not expect the same indulgence from the rest of us…shall we go up to your office, then, Minister?” (141, UK edition)

“Well– it’s just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to– what is the phrase?– come quietly. I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius.” (546)

“Zacharias folded his arms and said nothing, though perhaps this was because he was too busy keeping an eye on the instrument in Fred’s hand.” (307, UK edition)

“This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,” said James quietly. (568, UK edition)

“Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised…” (569, UK edition)

“…the handle’s made of Spanish oak with anti-jinx varnish and in-built vibration controls…” Ron was saying to Tonks. (157)
Psycho-Wan Kenobi

“I DID IT!” said Neville gleefully. “I’ve never done it before — I DID IT!” (393)

“Who?” said Harry quickly.
“Ginny Weasley, ” said Katie.
Harry gaped at her.
“Yeah, I know,” said Angelina, pulling out her wand and flexing her arm. “But she’s pretty good, actually. Nothing on you, of course,” she said, throwing him a very dirty look, “but as we can’t have you…” (453)

“I was sure if he realized that our relationship was – or ever had been – closer then that of headmaster and pupil…” (828)

“A couple of weeks after his dream of Rookwood, Harry was to be found, yet again, kneeling on the floor of Snape’s office…” (520, Australian edition)

Snape’s office door banged open and Draco Malfoy sped in.
“Professor Snape, sir – oh – sorry -”
Malfoy was looking at Snape and Harry in some surprise. (562, Australian edition)

“You are not in a position to bargain, Potter,” said Lucius Malfoy, his pale face flushed with pleasure. (705, Australian edition)

“You think you’re such a big man, Potter,” said Malfoy, advancing now, Crabbe and Goyle flanking him. “You wait. I’ll have you.” (750, Australian edition)

“… his right, Malfoy’s arm extended, too, reaching, groping… It was over in two, breathless, desperate, windswept seconds- Harry’s fingers closed around the… ball…” (411)

Both Sirius and Snape lowered their wands… the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses…
“But what’s going on?” asked Mr. Weasley.
“Nothing, Arthur,” said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run a long distance.” (521)
Space Monkey

“Mrs Weasley returned from Diagon Alley around six o’ clock, laden with books and carrying a long package wrapped in brown paper that Ron took from her with a moan of longing.” (153, UK edition)

Fred and George exchanged looks.
“You don’t mind if we don’t kiss you, do you, Ron?” (164)
Jack Skal


2 Thoughts on “Harry Potter – Fun with Innuendo

  1. niiiiiice. :P

  2. Nice post, found it on Google BTW.

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