Daily Archives: 15 June, 2008

You are browsing the site archives by date.

A Dummy’s Guide to Attend My Party

Before the party....

1. Wear whatever you like. Head gears, feather boa, and false beards are all encouraged, separately or together.

2. You really don’t have to bring anything, except for the contribution to the alcohol stash. I know it is polite to ask, and I appreciate that politeness, but when I throw a party I am kind of a crazy control freak with the planning so I probably have it all covered. If your mother raised you in such a way that you absolutely cannot arrive empty-handed, wine (hint: I like the Australian kind), sunflowers (hint: I like really big ones), or huge baggies of sweets are always welcome. (Update: No longer a control freak, I welcome contributions of all kind!)

3. Say something nice about the food, because I am not always very confident of my choice of caterer, really.

4. Drink. Mingle. Don’t wait to be introduced. Be funny. Here is a list of conversational topics to get you started: your favorite cheeses, scary things (nuns, clowns, midgets), stuff that sucks, weird sexual things you’ve done, crime stories (bonus points if they end up with you pantsless in a police station), caber tossing, famous people who you wouldn’t mind having as your own personal fuckpuppet, dinosaurs RRRAAARRR!, whether you believe that the declension in the Western post-Romantic mind from Modernism to Postmodernism can be understood as a shift from epistemological skepticism to ontological skepticism, the fact that a pig has a spiral penis, and the Incredible Hulk’s bad haircut (seriously, did his mom cut his hair with a bowl?).

5. Conversational topics to avoid: work (funny stories are fine, but no one wants to hear the details of your spreadsheet wizardry), your gym routine, abortion/gun control/the death penalty/terrorism, what you did or didn’t eat today, how everyone lusts after you, the amount of fabulously expensive electronic equipment you own, and platform snobbery (if I even overhear a tiny fragment of the Windows vs Mac vs Linux debate I’ll slip a sleeping pill in your drink, I swear). Also, anecdotes about how cute your pets or children are should be limited to five minutes or less.

6. Never, ever, insist that everyone stop drinking, talking, and generally having a good time in order to “play a game.” Playing games is fine, if it is that sort of party. Or there can be a subgroup of game players within a larger party. But you are not the Camp Counselor of the party, to be demanding that the partygoers do this or that.

7. Be a Good Drinker: no vomiting, no wanton destruction, no unwanted groping of fellow guests. Dirty jokes, comic antics, flirtation, and slightly slurred stream-of-consciousness blather are encouraged, however. If things do get out of hand, you are welcome to spend the night. I have plenty of couch/floor space. (Update: Venue dependent. Camping at the beach is optional)

8. Remember, your host sets the tone. So: If I am wobbling about like Dorothy Parker on a bad night, consuming superhuman quantities of beer, kissing just about everyone on the mouth, waving tea lights around and coming dangerously close to setting you on fire, and cracking wise about all and sundry, that gives you a free license to completely let your hair down.

And so, for those in the know, see you!

Adapted from Mimi Smartypants